“Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.” We all know the phrase. We all know the meaning. Do we live by it? Not really. Parenting overwhelm is something most of us experience, even if we don’t want to admit it.
Why We Forget to Look After Ourselves
Having children in your care, (parent, caregiver, or professional,) is honestly one of the most wonderful experiences imaginable. It is also utterly exhausting. The endlessness of responsibility can feel overwhelming on a good day, and so much more all-encompassing when things aren’t going as we want them to.
We know the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and are told to look after ourselves so that we can carry on looking after others. Honestly, I hate that. The idea of doing something for myself just so that I can keep giving to others—no thank you. Why are we bothering putting so much into others if this is what it’s going to end up being anyway? Why not just do enough to be good enough for everyone else?
As a parent, I want my children to have hobbies that fulfil them, to find happiness in themselves, to love the life they build, and to find their own purpose. I’m pretty sure that’s what my parents wanted for me too. It’s a common parental hope.
For the children I work with professionally, I want them to have the confidence to regulate themselves in a way that suits them, to show their own personalities and feel accepted, to have patience with themselves and treat themselves kindly, and to achieve what they truly want, not what somebody else tells them they should.
Modelling Self-Care for Children
I’m a huge believer in modelling what you want children to do. You want them to be calm? Then find a way to be calm. You want them to manage difficulties and use coping strategies? Then let them see you struggle and use those techniques. You want them to follow their dreams, get a job they enjoy, or carry on engaging in the things that make them happy? Are you? Do they see that in your adulthood? You are their experience of being a grown up.
Enough reflection. Let’s get practical. Here’s how we can support ourselves when with children or teenagers.
Be yourself. Be who you were before having the kids. Show them, and more importantly yourself, that you are someone’s child too. You have wants, needs, and you can look after those.
Managing the Parenting Overwhelm in Difficult Moments
When everything feels like it’s going wrong, it’s harder to be yourself. You can feel stuck in a moment that isn’t built for you, where you have a job to do, for someone else. This takes practice; it doesn’t just happen. One strategy that helps is grounding yourself in the present moment. Try this: name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Here’s an example from real life:
I’m managing my parenting overwhelm in real time. My daughter has just shouted at me because she shut her finger in a pen lid and hurt herself. By raising her voice and directing it at me, I immediately felt annoyance rise, tightness in my throat and face, muscles clenched, thoughts racing to “don’t you dare shout at me.”
I used the grounding technique to regulate myself:
- 5 things I can see – My bookshelf, the open door, my dog, pens, my laptop
- 4 things I can touch – My couch, my clothes, the chill from outside, my tongue rubbing my teeth
- 3 things I can hear – Birds, dogs moving around, my children colouring
- 2 things I can smell – Grass, laundry detergent on my clothes
- 1 thing I can taste – The lingering aftertaste of my recent coffee
This simple exercise immediately took me out of the reactive mindset. I didn’t speak to her; I let her manage her own emotions while I managed mine. Moments later, she even apologised, realising independently that her outburst wasn’t a solution.
As a result, I created the space for her to take care of herself too. Immediate modelling feedback.
Will this work every time? No, and that’s okay. We’re both experiencing these moments for the first time, as different people, learning what works for us.
Micro-Boundaries: Small, Achievable Limits
Another method , to tackle the parenting overwhelm, I’ve used recently is setting micro-boundaries. These are small, achievable, and easy to understand. They give both you and your children space to manage interactions without overwhelm.
For example, my children have been encouraged to express their boundaries from the moment they could talk:
- “You don’t want to hug someone you barely know because we’ve said they’re extended family you don’t remember? That’s fine—you don’t have to.”
Consequently, modelling and respecting these small boundaries, children learn that it’s okay to express needs, to protect their space, and to manage interactions in a way that feels safe. At the same time, it teaches them to notice and respect the boundaries of others, something that will help them for life.
Respecting Your Own Needs and Space
It’s not just about teaching children boundaries, it’s about respecting your own needs and managing your interactions too. My children currently range from ages 6 to 11, so the way I communicate these boundaries changes with their age and understanding.
For my 6-year-old, she needs to know what I’m doing and how she will know when I’m done, not the deeper reasons behind it. That’s my space, and it’s mine alone:
“I’m feeling fed up so I am going for a walk outside so that I can take some deep breaths. When I get back and take my shoes off, I will be ready to talk again.”
For my 11-year-old, who has a better understanding of personal space, I can communicate a little differently:
“I’m going for a walk for some quiet. I’ll be back soon.”
The key is clear, achievable boundaries, communicated in a way your children can understand. It shows them that everyone, including adults, needs space sometimes, and that managing your emotions and energy is not only acceptable but important.
This is something that we have practiced for around a year now. It was not easy to begin with; the children struggled to respect that time for us as adults. We didn’t argue about it, we just carried on and let them work through their feelings. They seemed to learn that these boundaries benefitted them. They had calmer parents, and they had someone showing them that adults are their own people too.
When parenting overwhelm builds, boundaries are a start but journalling has made them stick. It has helped us track the strategies we’ve used, name our emotions, recognise what has worked, and identify our own triggers. We’ve built a level of self-awareness that we hadn’t considered before, and it has proven to be invaluable.
Journalling Prompts for Self-Awareness and Support
Journalling doesn’t have to be complicated or take long, just a few minutes a day can make a real difference. Here are some prompts to help you notice patterns, reflect on your boundaries, and build self-awareness:
- How am I feeling right now: physically, emotionally, mentally?
- Where am I holding tension and what is it telling me?
- What boundaries have I set for myself today? How did they feel?
- How have I taken care of myself today?
- How have I regulated myself and how well did it work?
- What has caused my parenting overwhelm today?
- How am I protecting my space and energy?
- Which self-care strategies are serving me well and what do I need to change?
- What is the difference in my responses to others when I am reactive or when I am mindful?
- How do my actions reflect the person I feel I am?
You can also use additional prompts:
- What emotions came up today that surprised me?
- When did I use a coping strategy successfully today?
- What drained my energy today, and what helped me feel restored?
- Did my actions today reflect the parent I want to be?
- When did my children see me handling a difficult moment calmly?
- What went well today that I want to remember?
- What challenging moments do I anticipate tomorrow, and how can I prepare?
Support Services for Parents
Parenting doesn’t happen in isolation, and it’s okay to reach out for support beyond the moments you manage on your own. If you ever feel you need extra help, there are organisations and services designed to walk alongside you:
- Free tailored advice and coaching through Parent Talk for UK parents and carers of children aged 0–19 (or up to 25 for children with additional needs) with practical guidance and webchat support (Parent Talk online parenting support)
- Parental Minds, a community offering emotional support, resources, and connections with other families navigating similar challenges (Parental Minds support and resources)
- The Parent Village, a community hub with tools, workshops, and peer support to help relieve the pressure that comes with raising children (The Parent Village support community)
- The Parenting Project, offering tailored wellbeing support, counselling, and mentoring for parents and families throughout the UK (The Parenting Project family support services)
- YoungMinds, providing guides and a free Parents Helpline you can call or chat with online for emotional wellbeing and mental health information specific to your child (YoungMinds Parents Helpline)
Wherever you are in your parenting journey, these services can connect you with additional support, understanding, and practical guidance, because even the strongest parents benefit from community, connection, and professional insight.
Remember, parenting is a journey, not a perfect performance. Reduce your parenting overwhelm, by respecting your own needs, modelling healthy behaviours, and reflecting on your experiences, you’re giving your children, and yourself, the best possible foundation for resilience, happiness, and growth.
